Sandra is the whip-smart “Iron Curtain” Russian model Decker interviewed for the Getting Her World program…and this whole conversation is, as he says at one point, a “massive Integrity piece” – requiring him to maintain composure in the face of tenacious “stonewalling”…a Wild West standoff at times that will teach you how to “call a woman out”, while celebrating & enjoying her the whole time.
Watch this clip first…. (about 5 minutes into the conversation…)
Getting Her World: Sandra – ‘Don’t Take The Bait’:
Then this clip… (about 10 minutes in…)
Getting Her World: Sandra – ‘From Standoff To Showdown’:
Whoah!
Get the full 2-hour video of Decker and Sandra (19 more clips like these two) at a super-discounted price,here – on sale until TONIGHT at MIDNIGHT, July 17.
SELF-AWARENESS QUIZ:
When have you lost Composure in interactions in the past?
Did you:
* Collapse (apologize, explain yourself)
* Withdraw (slink away, dissociate), or
* Posture (defend yourself, act indifferent — “yeah, you wish…”)
***Bonus points***: What was it that you were wanting in those moments?
Share your answer in the comments below, along with any general comments about the clips!
Get the full 2-hour video of Decker and Sandra (19 more clips like these two) at a super-discounted price,here – on sale until TONIGHT at MIDNIGHT, July 17.
My general state of composure when in such case is usually defensive or try to out win her.
My purpose:wanting to get my point across and establish myself as more intellectual(lol).
Anyway,I wasnt able to checc out the clip from my mobile so cant comment on it.
Decker needs to be more relaxed and not moving around so much. He is moving towards her way too much, and this for women shows that you are not in control and can be a little to easy. Now what he says is different then his body language. I feel that he could have exercise much more control by laying back expecting her to lean in towards him. She appeared to me in much more control, just sitting stoic and not moving at all while he is moving all over the place.
Is that textbook pick up artist theory?
If your purpose is control, or trying to “convey” that you’re in control, this might be good advice…
In this case, the attention is on the quality of the connection.
What’s important to you about being in control?
I don’t agree at all with this comment. Decker seemed well in control. His body language is totally congruent with his thoughts he shares in the 2nd half of the video. He’s comfortable – amused even. When he leans in its almost a challenge. It’s an invitation to “meet him” as he says. When he senses she’s being lazy he leans back… communicating exactly what he explains: he is not willing to chase too hard. He’s interested and he owns that but he won’t play alone. She’s got to show up. And he is man enough to put that invitation out there and wait for her response.
Agree with Charles. At first, he looked a little nervous or sketchy and then I realized it is just his natural energy moving as he tunes into her.
Bryan, what to you was the quality of the interaction shown here? I’m not seeing an interaction here I would want for myself, maybe I’m missing something?
Good question —
I think so often we try to work harder or collapse, or make it about how WE are doing when a woman is not opening up to us…
And in my personal life realizing more and more how important it is to “call out” a woman I’m interacting with if she’s not showing up…
The quality I see here in this interaction is that most guys would dismiss her as a self-obsessed entitled bitch, or make her wrong for how she’s being… rather than having the capacity to Enjoy her…
And while, as some guys have said, they wouldn’t continue the interaction with a woman like this…
I find it valuable to see how I can “make art” with ANY interaction, even one I wouldn’t enjoy if it was all the time…
If you’re with a woman with ANY degree of femininity, you know there’s going to be times when she’s totally open and radiant and fun to be around, and other times when she’s less-than-rewarding to be with… (closed, guarded, or not contributing)…and if you can make art with those interactions , and enjoy her without Losing Yourself (trying to fix her, closing down, making yourself wrong for not carrying the interaction, etc), and stand for her to “show up”, while Celebrating her the whole time…that’s a KEY skill to have…
Wow, very powerful stuff there – you could just see the shift in her face going from Standoff to Showdown – From closed to Open – From Bitch to Cute.
This is where I get stucked many times – I encounter highly attractive women at bars for instance – they are so used to guys “entertaining” them – and as you say, Decker, they are “lazy” brats – because, well, they don’t HAVE to put any effort or energy into the interaction. What happens to me, when I meet one of these girls is that I shut off completely. I don’t even wanna try when I sense that she’s not willing to invest into the interaction – I just walk away, say “next”, as soon as I see the “bitch-look” in her eyes, and I know she’s thinking: “oh, just another clown”. I can smell this miles away, just by getting eye-contact. And I walk away. Perhaps it’s a kindof defense mechanism for me – a way of protecting myself from the letdown.
That has actually made me want to talk and meet girls that DOESN’T think they’re attractive – maybe they actually aren’t, or they have bad confidence about themselves – but I’ve learnt to “see behind the looks” of the girl. A not-so-attractive girl can be highly attractive on the inside, and I find so much more rewarding interactions with these kind of girls. It’s just from the first word – the eyes that are willing to open up to me, because she’s not so used to every guy wanting to entertain her – and when everything is said and done in the night, I go home with a feeling of having had a conversation with an amazing girl on the inside – on the other hand, if I just had spoken to the attractive girls, I’d feel empty when I went home, because these girls weren’t willing to share of themselves.
But – and now here’s my point about my rambling: This video has made me realise that the girls I put into the “bitch-category” perhaps aren’t behind the surface – it’s a kindof “defense mechanism”. As I look behind the surface of a not-so-attractive-girl I can look behind the surface of the attractive girl and see past the “bitch-eyes” and try to open up for her – but NOT by entertaining her obviously. By being a man with integrity, strong boundries, high standards, confidence etc. as you teach in your program – perhaps she is actually very sweet behind the bitch-surface. However, I find it very difficult to be able to shift the balance, so she shares as much as I do – especially when there’s loud music and a lot of people.
Thank you for your videos! You’re a big source of inspiration to me, and you make me a better and happier man.
- KJ.
KJ — *YES*, that has been my experience exactly — that when I recognize this way of being as a defense, rather than “who she is”, we can actually Play with those dynamics, rather than taking it personally or resenting her…
I have a friend named KJ. Are you him?
Fuck this shit!
How did Decker ever get to have superpowers like that ??
Great stuff!
I thoroughly enjoyed watching how the interaction actually went from a standoff to a showdown. To actually see Decker holding his composure was a huge treat.
I found it interesting too that despite Decker moving so much, you never saw Sandra physically pull back. In some instances, I almost saw her body language come forward.
Thanks for the ridiculous amounts of insight!
I almost always slink away when a woman is being a bitch, knowing there are better women out there. However, I run into more bitches because I have never really dealt with this head-on like Decker did. But often times it appears to me that my integrity is in walking away from these women. Is that the right way to go about this?
It seems to me that some of what’s happening here is cultural. She’s Russian and there is somewhat of a language barrier. Yes, her English is very, very good, but when you get into the subtleties of emotional dialogue, it can get difficult for someone to follow all the different implications of what is said. I think some of what we Americans see as closed-off-ness may simply be Russian behavior.
Something about these clips made my stomach twist a little bit and I was actually left feeling sad.
Yeah, good point. Me too.
I felt pretty sad when I watched the first clip – I also felt very irritated by her whole being. I could feel the rejection she had towards Decker in the start, especially when Decker asked if she wanted to know what he felt: “Naaah, That’s a no to me!” he says. You can just see in her face, that she thinks: “oh, another dumbass playing tricks on me”.
In that point, right there, if it was reality, I would have left her. You know some people in the world aren’t worth spending time on. And it’s pretty sad, I guess, because this is what women complains about to their girl friends, when they complain about men. And I LOVE Decker for telling her that she must live in a boring world! Actually, they could do a lot to ease up the conversation and open up for the MAN as well – if the MAN is lightned up, he WILL light HER up as well. And then we have a nice feedback mechanism. To have a conversation with a girl like this is as fun as trying to start a conversation with the nearest rock.
However, I felt enlightned when I saw the 2nd clip. I was with Decker again, and it was nice to see the shift in her face and Decker keeping his composure, even though you can see that he has some troubles doing this (he’s moving around, trying to ease up the mood by laughing – but she won’t respond. When he laughs she just sits there with a stone face. But I don’t know if Decker does this on purpose to test her)
But yeah – it was a powerful clip – I don’t think a lot of men would actually approach this girl in real life (for more than a minute). As Decker says – she must live in a boring reality with guys. However, we as men can light girls like this up, but for this woman, she seems very unresponsive and very hard, almost impossible to light up, if you don’t have the psychological and social skills as Decker.
- KJ.
KJ, Nice points, all, but I saw something different at that moment you described, when he refused to tell her. What I saw was a moment of awakening, when she grasped that Decker is not buying her crap, and she had to become present. And I could see the question and fear in her eyes as she might have been pondering, “Is this man real? Might he break my heart?”
Is there any chance you will open up the whole Get Her World program again in the near future?
mh i was left kinda irritated.. i dont think sandra followed much of what decker was talking about.
I agree with you, Dominik. Like when Decker asks her if she knows what a “standoff” is, and she says yes. And then from her body language, it’s pretty apparent she doesn’t.
Anyhow, I give high praise to Decker for hanging in there, and calling her out on the truth behind the words. That is a beautiful skill to posses – so often we hear the words, and get a sense that there’s something more, or some kind of incongruence. But we want to believe, are afraid to check in further, or don’t even realize that we can. There’s alot to be learned.
i really enjoyed to see how relaxed decker was. He kept his composure, while still staying playful, and being totally open and honest with her. I wondering if decker was really just moving around to get her to focus, and increase the intensetiy by moving forward torwards her?
I lose composure all the time with women whom I feel are out of my league- almost all attractive women- Usually I Withdraw, less often I collapse, occassionally I posture. I fear rejection, fear of looking inexperienced, inadequate, not being accepted. I’m just realizing that I’m not sure of what I want. Although I do enjoy and hope for a fun, playful interaction.
This clip offered the view that some attractive women expect to be entertained- what can I do for her. And I’m thinking that I don’t want to have to work like that to get acceptance or her company. I don’t think that I ever considered this view, i’m always thinking that I am not enough. Maybe I just need to accept that I can be enough.
Keith, if we all could do just that, life might be more fun. Like when we were kids, and we were that way, more than less.
I feel kind of bad for this gal. Her looks have probably gotten her a lot of attention but she hasn’t had to work on her personality at all, hence what Decker implied she probably has guys trying to sleep with her but not looking for anything deeper than that. I know if I met her at a party I wouldn’t be thinking she was girlfriend material but I’d still probably get fixated on her. If I did actually sleep with her I’d probably get addicted and try to keep it going even though she annoys the crap out of me. She would detect that I’m annoyed by her but she would paradoxically become more interested in me because I’m not kowtowing to her like other guys. Sigh, yes I’ve had this type of relationship more than once. When I actually start really thinking a gal is girlfriend material, she loses interest in me. Ugh.
Mike, Ain’t that the way?
I think this is a wonderful video that illustrate that if your not present you’ll be swinging away in the wind.
Personally,I would have collapsed and started explaining myself if I felt something off or weird.
I learned soo much from this video.
Thx Decker and team.
What comes up for me isn’t the actual interaction, but all the bullshit I tell myself when I’m not interacting that winds up getting in my way later. Basically Bryan’s “Validation crack pipe.”
I have a tendency to idealize and tell myself that I’m some kind of sex god and then I’m afraid to be proven wrong when I’m out… to the point where I feel like I’m walking into a cactus even if the woman is a yes.
So my takeaway is paying attention to where my attention goes all the time, and not just feeling in moments where things get intense and its hard to be a yes.
Did any body else see this?…Start at 4:16 – 4:51 of the second video. My favorite moments of the whole thing: Check out her face. I really felt the tension in the conversation here and loved how real it got. It was very empowering.
4:16 Decker boldy explains what happens in these flat interactions. He takes her home. He enjoys her body. He makes her come. And then…That’s it.
4:31 In that moment you can feel her dissapointment. And I think right then she might be realizing that if she wants MORE from a quality guy than just sex, she MUST show up. Decker then throws down a challenge that she KNOWS is real. You have to risk for the real thing.
4:39 I think she is vulnerable here. Decker has brought her to the edge and told her what she already knows. You have to jump off the edge if you want to fly.
Integrity – Own it. And you serve HER and yourself.
I would not have been wanting to stay in that conversation. However, I liked how it turned out! Usually I withdraw completely. I get kinda weird. Just not being able to be present.
Actually, I experienced that in relationships quite a lot. when she gets angry (or I imagine she could get angry), I begin to try to entertain her and to please her somehow. I just do the shit that is boring. Although I start noticing that.
In those moments, I actually want her to let me alone (which is just another form of withdrawal, I think).
What is completely unaccessible to me in these situations is any sort of dance. Personal connection just disappears. I pay attention to my words, get in a completely unpersonal and rational mode. I hate that. And so does she.
@KJ: Actually, there might be some truth in what you said here: “they could do a lot to ease up the conversation and open up for the MAN as well – if the MAN is lightned up, he WILL light HER up as well.” – In my experience, I could stay in integrity, when she is cool with me. However, that’s just whining and not taking responsibility for my own integrity.
She totally wanted to fuck Decker during the showdown.. u could just see those “sex eyes”! haha, great stuff.. Decker is the man!.. I’ve wanted to call women out like this all the time who think they’re the shit at bars and clubs, but man it’s tough! I think there were some great tips to do this, though.. That tip about just letting the energy come out of you naturally and not hold it in b/c that is what makes you seem nervous was great
Can the content be downloaded or simply watched with no download option as soon as you pay for it? If it can’t be downloaded, it won’t work because my internet connection is generally too slow to watch video(I’m an OTR truck driver constantly on the move).
I actually feel that Decker was being a little bit creepy in his vibe. I don’t know the lead up to this interview but she actually opened up a few times and all he did was assume she was being stand-off-ish… When a woman is confronted with a bunch of cold/warm reads that she’s not sure how to respond to, she’ll just play along but come across as distant b/c she’s not sure how to react.
Also, by constantly keeping the conversation on the topic of how the interaction is going… it makes the girl feel weird. It’s like analyzing everything she does and telling her upfront in that moment.
If the goal of the interview was to make her feel attracted, then the conversation should have turned more casual… and flirty… and fun… so that she opens up to him and wants to do more than talk to him.
I also think Decker’s eye contact was too strong… which made him intimidating. It’s good to keep good eye contact but his was almost too intense…. which might be why I feel he was a lil creepy.
Khiem, I suppose I can see what you mean about Decker coming off a creepy, but I also think that may be because what he was doing was so different from what you or I would have done. And also, I am considering that maybe what I would have done in that situation with Sandra might have been the very same boring behavior that she encounters every single time she goes to the bar or club.
Another thing to consider is that (I don’t think) Decker doesn’t “TRY” to do ANYTHING. What he and Bryan and the rest of the team are trying to teach us is being present with yourself, her and the interaction, recognizing the energy and dynamic of the interaction, accepting it for what it is, regardless of whether or not it is what you want, and owning what you want, then finally playing with the dynamic. It won’t be the same for every interaction even with the same girl and most certainly won’t be the same if its with different girls. Also, Decker did what felt right to him based on his thoughts, beliefs and experience. If you were to use AMP principles and jump into that interaction, you would most likely (actually, probably more like most DEFINITELY) have brought a totally different flavor to the interaction because your experiences are totally different from Decker’s, thus you will be bringing different thoughts and beliefs.
But to say that Decker was “too this” or “too that” doesn’t make sense. In the Marine Corps, we had a saying: “If its stupid but it works, then its not stupid.” Likewise, if Decker’s eye contact was too strong but it ended up working to get her to bring herself to the interaction, then it wasn’t too strong, was it.
Ha! I’ve done all those things more times than I care to remember.
Decker, I would love to see your physical art on the mat, in action. Are you still practicing? If your small aikido is as good as your big aikido, you are Shihan.
CF
AMP, where Nice Guy and Bad Boy merge, integrate, appreciate, personify, dissolve, evolve, create, as whole, present, appreciative, integrous, truly Authentic, GOOD Man, neither bad boy nor nice guy but something better, both… and neither… just, simply Real, Authentic, Good Man.
To Decker, you’ve got the essence and more to open people’s hearts, it is facinating to watch the working of it. somehow this time I found myself wondering what motivates you, high, low and middle levels of reasoning and considerations.
What purpose may it serves, that is bigger and us both???
With best, Brit (Israel)
Nooo i missed the discounted sale!
. hopefully another one will come up soon. Great video, loved how Decker keeps his composure.
Hm. I withdraw. I’m an angry motherfucker and I have a hard time relating with people. Lots of scar tissue. So I expect cruelty from people and its just fucking easier to avoid women than to feel all of that and try to work fucking therapy on myself in the moment.
Usually shows up as furtive glances, wishy washy, half attention, trying to prove, “mind reading” and flat out fuck off bubble. Secretly wanting attention but I reject any woman who tries to give it to me so she can’t reject me.
In conversation, which usually means she approached me, I fair better and its still a bit of a mess. I’m feeling a lot and I’m unsure of myself which makes it hard to stay connected to myself. I find myself looking to impress rather than going for what I want. Conversations usually start great and then just fizzle out.
I’m also not very motivated to try to have sex with women. There’s desire for it, but its overshadowed by a desire to prove something and impress. So I try to meet the emotional need and the carnal need that I’m really wanting beneathe the surface is repressed.
I’m surprised with Decker’s appreciation here. I would be so triggered by this woman that I’d write her off as a bitch and ditch her.