This is a guest post from Sarah Williams. Lifestyle blogger, dating coach and writer. In this post, she helps navigate the sticky territory of what women say they want, what they actually want and how to figure out the difference
Whether she’s your sister, colleague, girlfriend or some cutie you’ve asked out on a date, you’ve probably noticed that women have difficulty making up their minds. They make decisions and change them in the next instant, which probably makes you crazy!! Simple questions such as: “What would you like to eat babe?“ and “Why are you mad at me?“ can end in awkward silence and simmering frustration.
At some point in your life, you’ve probably wondered what’s the point in asking a woman what she wants if she changes her mind so easily? Or you’ve noticed it takes a long time for her to make up her mind?
Understanding female decision-making is useful for attracting women and avoiding conflicts in relationships. It also makes interacting with females much easier.
Even though woman can achieve any position they want in the career path, hang out in the same places as men do, travel or live alone for long time, we cannot say that man and woman have equal position in the world, especially in the dating world. Our personalities, needs, and expectations from the society change depends of if you were born as a boy or as a girl.
Don’t get me wrong… I don’t want to go all Feminazi on you 🙂 Because those differences are totally fine!
I believe there are differences between men and women and that they’re necessary for making relationships work. These differences aren’t hard and fast and vary depending on culture, among other things. As expert Mark Manson observes: “Whereas a woman’s femininity is implicit simply by being and birthing, a man’s masculinity must be proven through actions” and how you prove yourself influences whom and what type of girl you attract.
These differences make the dating game extremely interesting, and you can use them in your favor. By amplifying these differences you can increase mutual attraction.Asking women what they want isn’t going to get you very far. There’s a reason this happens and you can use their indecisiveness to your advantage.
Why are women this way?
A lot of guys think we actually know what we want and we just choose not to tell them, because we’re mean or like to play games.
But I’ll let you in on a secret: We REALLY don’t know what we want! We just don’t!
Female body chemistry is complex. Our body’s mix of hormones changes daily depending on our menstrual cycle, the weather, and some claim the lunar phases!
You can imagine how big of a mess we have in our heads sometimes. We would like our moods to be predictable, but we simply don’t know how we’re going to feel in a few hours, let alone a few days! It’s understandable why we sometimes need help making decisions.
Let me tell you a secret: our indecisiveness and moodiness make us angry too! We get tired of our emotions and sometimes we’d appreciate a man making decisions for us. If we find someone who’s confident and smart enough to take on some of our emotional burdens, we’ll fall for him.
Women love men who know what they want
Many smart, good-looking men complain about not being able to attract women. They end up being friends with attractive women because they’re unable to demonstrate certain behavioral traits that women find appealing.
Don’t get me wrong, we don’t want to be hurt, but we’re genetically programmed to seek out masculine power. Our biology determines our decisions much more than we’d like to admit. If a man asks us what we want to do too many times and doesn’t take any initiative, our inner voice whispers: “he’s weak and isn’t able to ensure the survival of any potential children. I should look for stronger, more dominant genetic material”.
Yes, we like when you take the lead. Even the most confident woman likes feeling like a girl who needs a man by her side. We’re looking for a man who makes decisions, but makes us feel as if our needs were understood and met. It may surprise you, but most of the time we don’t want to be asked what we want! It’s not that we want some macho jerk to tell us what to do all the time. We want a gentleman who’s confident enough to make decisions. Someone who knows what he wants and goes for it!
Decide for her but don’t be pushy about it
Women are often subtle attention seekers. If she’s beautiful, she’s used to getting what she wants, exactly when she wants it. Even if she’s a far cry from being a goddess she still wants to feel that she has control over the situation, because it soothes her insecurities and complexes.
How we say things is sometimes more important than what we say. To ensure good communication, make sure you talk to her calmly. Any pressure can cause resistance, and resistance is a direct way to a conflict. Convey your message in a way that makes her feel as if you took her needs into consideration. To accomplish this, let me teach you about peaceful, meaningful communication.
How to handle indecisive women
For example, when choosing a restaurant, try suggesting some places yourself. Make an educated guess from what she’s liked before (but don’t ask her that!) and pick accordingly. Don’t be afraid to come across too bossy. If she really doesn’t like your choice, she’ll tell you. But in most cases, she probably won’t care that much, because it’s about the experience (with you) and not the location or food.
When it comes to more serious things like when you’re discussing moving to another city because of a new job or when she starts seeming emotionally numb (although this isn’t a decision, it falls into the same female-uncertainty-feelings-category, because she might not even know why she’s numb or sad) you’d have to be more conscious about your decisiveness.
It’s not WHAT you decide to do in these tough scenarios, but how much you believe in your decision. If you have doubts about the path you’ve chosen, she’ll notice. And she’s going to poke holes in your plans.
When she acts numb, or sad, or is otherwise emotionally unavailable don’t try fixing her by giving her rational advice as to what she should do (even if you know it would help her). Just be there for her. Be her rock, that’s unaffected by her emotions – and by unaffected I don’t mean that you should be cold and not care for her.
You have to be sympathetic and listen, but don’t get poisoned by her emotions, especially if she’s mad at you for no apparent reason. Never get defensive when this happens. Show her that you care for her, but let her know that you won’t tolerate pointless drama. If she’s jealous (for no reason) and taking it out on you, don’t get into a discussion with her. Don’t argue or get defensive. Just tell her that it’s BS and walk away. If she insists on more drama, just ignore her.
She’ll be angry at first, but once her emotions pass, she’ll be happier with you than before.
The Bedroom isn’t the right place to ask questions, ever!
The bedroom is a place where you should be as masculine you can. There’s no bigger libido killer than being asked “Can I kiss you?” or “Can I touch you there?” Never ask these kinds of questions, unless you’re a 15-year old boy. Or if you want to seem creepy, which probably isn’t the case…
Trust your intuition and use common sense. If she’s on a date with you and seems to be having fun, she probably wants to be kissed. If she’s naked in your bed, she probably wants to be fucked. It’s not particle physics so don’t ask unnecessary questions.
She’ll love it when you take the lead in the bedroom. Being a gentleman doesn’t exclude being strong, dominant and masculine – exactly the man most women desire. This attitude will help you throughout your life.
Sarah Williams is a busy full-time dating advisor for men, lifestyle blogger and fitness freak. She believes that with a proper attitude, a good understanding of the mechanisms that drive human interactions and new technologies every man can become personally and professionally successful. Currently, she’s a happy dating writer and shares her thoughts on self-development, relationships and dating at Wingman Magazine.