My buddy Todd recently visited me in San Francisco. He’s a great guy with a huge heart. He’s a total “You could barf in his car and he’d still be your buddy” kinda guy. But Todd has one of those common unconscious behavior patterns that kill attraction with the ladies.
I invited him to meet me for lunch. I also invited a vibrant, intelligent, sexy woman named Kacie that I’d been dating. Kacie is exactly the kind of woman that Todd constantly wants to meet, so I thought it would be pretty interesting to see what her response to Todd would be.
If Todd really, truly and “no bullshit-sincerely” wants to meet his ideal woman, wouldn’t feedback from that kind of woman be some pretty valuable information?
Here’s what happened… At lunch, Todd told us about his plans for the evening. It went something like this:
“I dunno, I was kinda thinking I might go out tonight, or something, but maybe I’ll watch tv first cuz last week, you know, there was this show on TV, and man it was so funny, what was the name of it? Anyway, whatever, and, ummm…”
As I was sitting there, suffering through Todd’s way of talking, notice Kacie’s eyes glaze over and her attention shift completely from Todd to her half eaten tuna salad.
Check it out: How you are in ONE area of your life is often how you are in ALL areas of your life. And one perspective we play with at AMP is that women are always evaluating what a man would be like in bed.
one perspective we play with at AMP is that women are always evaluating what a man would be like in bed.
The way you approach her, pay attention to her, talk to her, and especially the way you express yourself, all give her a sense of who you are, and how you would be with her in bed. And women instantly feel whether they are attracted to you or not based on that information.
Based on how Todd speaks, here is a slightly exaggerated version of how a woman might imagine Todd in bed:
“Uhhh, I was kinda thinking we could do it doggie style, or something, or maybe missionary… oh wait, there was this great position I read about… and it was kinda kinky… could you, like, flip over, or something?”
You get the picture.
This is what we call “fuzzifying” the way you talk. When you’re unconsciously adding in all kinds of “Ummms,” “Ahhhs,” “Kindas,” “Sortas,” etc, what do you think she’s imagining about how you would be in the bedroom?
Most guys aren’t even aware they’re speaking in such an unclear way and it usually takes someone else to point it out. However, I assert that 95% of ALL guys do this to some degree or another (so this probably includes you!).
What’s the impact of being so vague?
Well, she can’t help but think you’re WISHY-WASHY and lack CONVICTION about what you REALLY want to say.
Because when you fuzzify your language, what you’re actually doing is playing it safe and taking the edge off your words so that you can’t be as easily rejected.
when you fuzzify your language, what you’re actually doing is playing it safe and taking the edge off your words so that you can’t be as easily rejected.
Ironically, you’re likely to get rejected anyway, since fuzzifying is a Mortal Blow for attraction and connection.
Fuzzy is unfocused, cloudy, vague, thick, heavy, tiring and boring.
An attractive way of speaking is clear, direct, intentional and meaningful.
How To Stop Fuzzifying
Listen, most of us have been fuzzifying our language for years. The first step is awareness: start catching yourself “in the act,” or partner up with a friend to start calling each other out when you fuzzify your language.
NO: “Yeah, ummm, I think it would be kinda cool to see you sometime and get together and, like, do something, y’know?”
YES: “I want to see you again.”
Practice clearing yourself of words that are filler, like “Umm,” “Like,” “Kinda,” and “Sorta.”
Say what you mean.
Chances are this will feel Risky at first… like you’re exposing yourself by taking a stand for what you REALLY mean. If it does feel intimidating at first, that’s a sign that you’re on track!
In the meantime, continue to bring awareness to your unconscious communication patterns.
Have your buddies call you on it when you’re speaking starts getting fuzzy. You’ll be amazed at how much more powerful and attractive you occur to women when you learn to speak clearly and say what you really mean.
Here’s another key. While bringing awareness to unconscious patterns like this is a great first step, it helps to also rock out on exploring the INNER roots of what had that pattern show up in the first place.
Cultivating more Presence will NATURALLY clear fuzziness out of your speaking, and we go into much detail about what Presence is and how to cultivate it in our Inner Game Training Program, in the Foundations: Revealed Video.
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